Caesar threw the wax tablets with the speeches' transcripts on to the table in disgust.

"What a sorry bunch these are! To think some of these losers will be elected for office!"
"Come now" said Agrippa, trying to calm him down, "It's not as bad as all that."
"Isn't it? Isn't it really? What do you say of this Gaius Calpurnius Piso, a candidate for quaestor, or Ancus Trebonius Mento, running for Tribune of the Plebs, whose statements to the citizenry is that they want to enjoy themselves and entertain us with humourous reports? Or this other creature, Manlius Villius Tricostus, who quite openly declares that since he doesn't have enough funds to be an aedile, he will run for quaestor instead? You know what this means, don't you?"
Agrippa nodded.
"Of course. He intends to fill his pockets as quaestor if he gets appointed to a good post. But some candidates really seem to want to do something"
"Oh yes, certainly" says Caesar, "Like these guys from the Italian municipia who want to change the electoral process so that people can vote without coming to Rome. I wonder what they'll propose: to vote by mail? By fire signals? Who knows but someone will invent an automaton which records one's vote at the touch of a button."

"Have you noticed this one?" asks Agrippa.
"Which one?"
"This Tiberius Servanius Vendax. I hear the man is continually drunk, and it must be true. He is running for quaestor, is he not, but in his electoral speech he asks that people elect him
tribune again!"
"Let me see that - oh yes you're right. I can't believe Asiaticus never noticed."
"Poor Asiaticus, after a while I don't believe he heard another word of what was being said."
"Asiaticus is very careful about his duties."
"Even he's been known to fail."
"Don't say that."
"It's true."
"Agrippa!"
"Just pulling your leg, consul. I won't have many more chances of making you nervous, now that you're going away again."

Caesar sat back and sipped at his drink.
"Oh well. I'm glad there are some there one can trust to do a good job. I would be sad if I had to vote for those whose only claim to fame is to have been defeated previously."
"Not everyone can be elected with the majority of votes everytime."
Caesar raises an eyebrow. His friend is teasing him again.
"Anyway, who are you voting for? I take it you have decided."
"Oh yes. My votes are pretty obvious, you shouldn't have to ask."
"I guess not. I know whom you want in."

"The problem is whom I want out. For instance: should I vote for Decimus Claudius Russus, whom I definitely support for censor, or for another (plebeian) candidate to try to prevent
Quintus Caecilius Metellus getting in?"
"That's a tough one. You definitely don't want Metellus in."
"I'd like to trust the Roman people to not vote for a liar like Metellus - they ought to remember the case of Sam the Samnite, which I tried as Court Praetor."
"The problem is, how much did he spend to buy votes?"
"Indeed."
"And he's a friend of Cordatus."
"I don't know about that. He was a friend - but in the end he did Cordatus a very bad service."

Both friends are quiet for a moment, then Caesar puts his goblet down.
"Come on. Let's go vote."




Umpire Note: Whoops! Sorry; hadn't spotted the Vendax error. At least it proves that somebody has ploughed through all the electioneering. Asiaticus must have been getting tired listening to all those dull speeches. And, hey, I like Calpurnius Piso!