Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.

Pickle, Cucmis sativus, is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:

1. 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
2. 100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
3. 96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
4. 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
5. 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born earlier than 1880 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.