Do llamas spit? Ahhh, that is the question. They've gotten a bad rap over this, but honestly - I can say I've never had Studdeley spit at me since we first partnered here a year ago. They have highly refined sensibilities, llamas . . . in fact, they definitely beat some of the trailer-park trash I know down in Boutte, Louisiana. One does, in a pinch however, need to know how not to permit your llama to spit, if severely provoked. Why? Because, the experts advise, llama-spit is pale green and smells just like kitty diarrhea. Yuck, I know, I haven't had breakfast either - but you wanted the facts!?



Therefore, in an emergency, there is one way to stop your llama from spitting. Spit at him first. It's a dominance thing. So, just in case, whenever I'm llama-tending, I chew a little tobacco just to get a nice wad going . . .

Oh dear. Sorry - I quite forgot!

Let's change the subject. Shearing your llama!

Now, just in case you think I'm making this up, this is from a gen-u-wine llama farm and relates to the spring shearing of your llama. Please follow these instructions CAREFULLY:

a) Blow your llama out. That means, huff and puff all over him, chant ancient charms, and beat his hair like a carpet to get rid of excess dust, small mammals, Inca fleas (do they jump!), etc.

b) Bathe your llama. They don't give a lot of directions, but it's self-evident, right? Have a VERY large pot handy and lots of llama shampoo. Watch out - the second they get out of the bath, they'll make for that large pile of vulture-dung in the pasture, their favorite.

c) Take your blow-dryer to the llama. If you're in the high Inca mountains, this may present a bit of a challenge. Best to bring your portable generator with you (llamas make great pack animals). Otherwise, you'll have to go off and get extremely drunk before you can clip the next day.

d) Then you choose your cut. There is the extended barrel cut, taking it off right around the middle . . .



There is the "poodle cut," for show . . . although to me, it always looks like the puir wee beastie is suffering from mange . . .



And then there is the famous Total Cut, which makes your llama look like an ostriche. Whether that's what you intended is another thing altogether . . .




Ahhh, here's Pyrex with my second cup of wine for the morning. This llama-training is bloody hard work. More to follow! In the meantime, go out in the pasture and Make Friends with Your Llama. Approach them carefully and with respect and, when you've got their attention, quote Cicero at 'em. Works EVERY time . . . they become docile in a trice.

This information, honestly, is taken tongue in cheek from a very helpful site, Kent Rock Meadow Llamas , together with those great illustrations!