Actually, that's a misnomer. Llamas are famous for their wooly hair, not fur . . . and like sheep, the alpaca branches of the family are sheared for the softest warmth of alpaca blankets. I'm wearing one as we speak, tweaked out with a purple, green and gold motif in honor of Mardi Gras!

C'mere Studdeley. This is why you came, to help show the tourists about the llama industry! Oh, dear, I see he's not being cooperative. Well, let me bring in Bitsy, who'll do just as well, and will not give you an argument about the differences between Stoics and Epicureans in the 1st century A.D.



Now, you see how Bitsy's arranged? You might just say "she tucks her legs under herself for warmth and comfort when she's catching forty winks." The Inca do it better - this is called "kushing." It's an Inca word meaning "she-who-tucks-legs-for-warmth-when-out-cold." Llamas are famous for it. In fact, the King of the Incas once tried to kush and it caused a great scandal, largely because his 5th wife, who weighed about 250, was accidentally underneath . . . oh, but I see children present. We'll leave that one for later.

Now, when the llama is kushed, it's a GREAT time to trim their toenails. You heard me. Rose cutters, actually, are perfect for the deed. Just pretend your llama is an extremely overgrown cat. While he's kushed and stationary, grab the hind foot - er, amazing how hard these critters can curl up, it's like unbending a hedgehog! - grab your rose clippers, and puuuuuulllll . . .

Jupiter's brass balls! Why did no one tell me they could kick like that?

Er . . . Pyrex, bring on a little of that Falernian and water, just to make sure I don't bruise!