Photographs scattered across
the coffee table
searching for one
vaguely remembered:

Standing on or after
my birthday
in a suit
with the gift

The gift itself,
unimportant,
had to change
to put it on

Innocence captured in a flash
handsome, precious,
bright, wonderful
recognized.

Feelings of pride, honor,
accomplishment,
at last, no more
dreaded nap time!

Chosen, special, cherished, by her
polaroid, endless stream,
scattered on the floor
our special time...

"Play, why play?
When I can spend
more time with
You!"

Music beautiful music
makes me feel happy
and sad all at the same
special time

What? Why should I change?
yes, it's warm,
but I'd rather stay
dressed

I had to undress
to get a to play with a
stuffed doggy? She's cute,
I guess

Touch the doggy where?
and with what? "NO?!"
As the polaroids fall
I comply

This is strange, but I know
I don't want to share
our special time
with anyone.

Dark room, cool! Total black!
all these plastic tubs
and clothes line and clips
teach me

Watching papers develop
before my eyes,
pictures of me
and her toys

What are these new lights,
so bright I can't see!
Where are all the photos
of me?

What's that smell and that smoke,
yucky cigar, I can't see,
who's that strange man
behind you?

What are those sounds?
Why's he breathing so hard?
What's he slapping back there,
as he stares?

Why did you leave me? Take me!
I didn't tell! I never would!
Why not me anymore?
Why him?

Change schools? No, not now!
I love it here! Won't go,
can't make me, I'm gone
she knew...

New school, new rules
'No fourth grade math
for a second grade
student'

Just one of the class, at least,
not special anymore
aced all the classes, yet
still held back

Dummy! Failure! Stupid!
'If you're so smart,
why are you in second
and I'm in third?'

Hell, kiss ALL the girls,
whether they want to or not
they mean yes even when
they say "No!"

Learn to unlearn
all I was taught
"No" really means "No"
not "Yes."

New school, new rules
bright, wonderful, recognized.
pride, honor, accomplishment
dread

Principal's pet, teacher's dread
fourth/fifth one year onto sixth
must be moving on up again
skipped ahead

I stand motionless
waiting for the other
shoe to drop
with innocence captured in a flash
of blinding light

I think and I weep
at the strange thrilled dread I get
telling myself, "I'm pictured
somewhere..."