I am MOST annoyed! The foreign crook who has given me this journal had said nothing about any entry limits, only later I was told it allowed only TEN entries. And now? It expires after only eight ones! *points eye pencil accusingly at a certain, mist-veiled mountain* Don't you dare arguing with me - despite all rumours, I can count to ten, even much, much higher. How else would I be able to collect my- ah, never mind... *sulks*

Reaching the Land of the Silla - or:
There will be waves
March 5, 2008

*smoothes hair back and fans self dramatically*
Where was I? Ah yes, the Land of the Silla. Or was it Korea? Ah, who cares. We will never reach it anyway. *pouts*

We spent the night in a desolate hut, and now I'm not reeking like a wet horse any longer, but like a wet animal that is half fish and half horse! *shudders* And to think that there is nowhere to go anymore! I'm at my wit's end, and - a bad, bad sign considering the circumstances! - harbour fond thoughts about Mama-san.

I refused to leave the hut after Sadao-chan told me about the arrangments he'd made for us before we had pieces of raw fish for breakfast on the veranda. Yes, he had told me long ago that the sailing season is already over, but he didn't tell me that there would be waves! Of course I am not afraid of water, this is nonsense! After all I have always enjoyed the pleasurable afternoons on the Heavenly Ruler's Bark when we were pulled across the lake in the palace district. No, this is my last word - I won't set my precious feet into this cockleshell they try to pass off as a boat! *looks determined*

Later:

I must have fallen asleep. *yawns drowsily* Just woke up and grabbed my journal. I think I .... oh no!

Much later:

The good news is that I'm still alive. On the other hand I'm not so sure if I'm happy about it. Sadao-chan says he is. We have reached the other side. The fishermen made a sacrifice to thank for a smooth crossing. I don't know if it was a smooth crossing. I didn't see much of anything, hanging over the side of the boat like I did all the time. *turns green again at the very thought*

Sadao-chan held me all the time or I'd have fallen overboard. He said there was some poetic justice in this - all the fish I'd consumed had now been returned to their point of origin. I just hissed at him that now it was the right time for him to also return some fish. But he didn't. *huffs*

Greetings from the provincial backwater,
February 28, 2008

Nothing new here. I have forgotten how the sun looks like. All is mud and rain and wind and the charming backside of Sadao-chan's horse and his own back. Oh, and add the perpetual sloshing sound to it when the beasts' hooves dig into the mud and wrench free of it. I don't know how the places are called we are passing through, if we would only pass through them, that is. After our last enounter with the bandits Sadao-chan doesn't take any chances and avoids "larger" settlements - though our notions of this term seem to be entirely different. As I've said, I don't know if these wretched places have names.

I am cold, I am wet, I am hungry, I am dirty, I smell like a horse and I am afraid to look into my new mirror. In short: I am not pleased, not at all. To be fair, Sadao-chan is every bit as cold, wet, hungry, smelly and dirty as I am - but he's a soldier after all, and should be used to it. But I am not. I want a bath, I want clean robes, I want a decent meal, I want a warm bed... I want to be fussed over! *pouts weakly*

It is noon now, at least this is what Sadao-chan claims. All I can say is that during day it's grey and wet, and during night it's black and wet, that's all the changes we have had for ages. Great. Today I've even caught myself thinking back fondly of the third-class ryou, bandits or not. *sighs longingly* At least we had some semblance of civilisation there!

Sadao-chan is reading over my shoulder and I am too weary to say no. *pouts* He chuckles. I want to paint his face with mud!

Later

We have eaten the last of our supplies now. That is, we would have eaten our last supplies had Sadao-chan not put me in charge of cooking. *pouts* What do I know of cooking?! He should have told me what to do. Now it's too late. I wondered aloud what we'd do now, being without the small iron kettle. Sadao-chan just smiled and said it wouldn't matter anymore, we would reach the village we've been heading for by nightfall. That's the good news.

The bad news is that there is no ryou in this place, it's just a small fishing village. Well, one of his countless cousins lives there; but apparently she has lost her mind and married one of the local fishermen, married a life in a backwater. Pfff. I am not sure how to deal with a madwoman... Perhaps she is even dangerous? *frowns*

At long last!! It is now weeks that we have done nothing else but sloshing through muck, getting drowned by rain and sleet, and I had almost come to believe we would never do anything else but trotting along the road, freezing miserably and staying dripping wet forever. So when I spotted the ryou I made it unmistakably clear that I would move no further than there! *huffs*

Dear Sadao-chan was wise enough not to oppose, though I could see he would have preferred to keep us out of sight. "Why", I pointed out to him, "it's not that anybody would recognise us as fugitives from the Divine Ruler's court!" I must confess that I was quite miffed when he didn't argue that point. So I did look like a mud-covered, drowned rat after all! *grumbles*

Anyway, for once I didn't really care as long as I could be dry and warm again - and after all there was enough time to argue that point after a hot bath and a decent meal. I had NO intention whatsoever to let him get away with this! Actually, the ryou was a pleasant surprise, especially when I take into account that I would never ever have set foot into it otherwise. Where was I? Oh, yes. It was surprisingly clean and the bath was scaldingly hot as it should be. I had never thought to meet some semblance of civilisation here at the edge of the world. Oh, when I contemplate that Sadao-chan means to take us even further! I am sure I will have turned into a savage by the time we reach China at long last! *sighs dramatically*

When I was warm and dry again we were served something to eat. Oh, it was sooo delicious! And warm! Even Sadao-chan had to admit it was a good place to stay for the night - or maybe even a few days. I should have known something was wrong. *groans*

Some time later I found myself surrounded by the ryou's comfort women who were all eager to learn about the currently fashionable trends from our new capital. I was so pleasantly warmed that I bowed to their wishes (and simply couldn't pass over the chance to help them refine their ways). *giggles* It was like a training court of its own, like it was years ago with Mama-san, Genji-chan and the others! No swords or wooden sticks were wielded here, just eye pencils, mirrors and combs! I have to admit we had such fun!

Just when I was about to explain the correct angle of the "Smouldering-Clouds-Singe-the-Blades" eyeline, there was much noise from the outside. "Bandits!" one of the women screamed and they ran to and fro like flushed geese. I was pretty annoyed. What did those bandits think? Couldn't they have waited for a few days? *huffs* Anyway, there was no need to get excited about it, I told the girls, Sadao-san would take care of it.

But somehow he must have missed one of them, for suddenly the shoji was pushed aside and I stood eye-to-chest with an incredibly ugly and unwashed creature. I suppose he was stunned to see someone as refined as me in a place like this, because he simply stared at me, dumbfounded and stupid. (I have to admit I stared back in the same fashion - he was simply the ugliest creature I had ever seen.) Then he grinned and grabbed for the jade beads I had put on to celebrate the day, a gift from Tetsuko-san I think. It's not that this gift was so precious to me, but it's mine! *sulks*

What can I say? Perhaps playing with the wooden stick has sharpened my reflexes (or, as Genji no doubt would point out, I have always been of a possessive nature)... *coughs delicately* Anyway, I was miffed. Very miffed. The cry Sadao-chan has taught me came effortlessly to my lips (though instead of "kiaiii" it sounded more like "eeeek" - and was, admittedly, more like a scream), and with all force I smashed the bronze mirror down on the bandit's greasy head. *smiles grimly*

For a moment he stared at me in disbelief before his eyes grew vacant and the mirror was wrenched out of my hand as the creature slumped down like a bundle of rags and ruined my second-best garment with his blood, the small side of the mirror firmly embedded into his skull like some kind of blade. *shudders delicately*

Quite belatedly Sadao-chan skidded around the corner, eyes aflame, waving his bloodied sword, mouth opened wide for another expert-warrior-cry that, sadly, was never uttered (I so adore when he does that!). I am not sure if I should feel flattered by the way he stared at me, then down at the creature on the tatami, lying in a spreading pool of blood, and back at me again. I said the first thing that came to my mind. "I need a new mirror." He gave me a funny stare, dropped his sword and then squeezed the breath out of me, smearing the other bandits' blood evenly over my clothes. Well, they were already ruined, weren't they? *sighs indulgently*

(Oh, Hoshi-san, the second asobime of the house, has assured me she's an expert in depilating! Life's turning bright again! *sighs happily*)

Just a quick note. It's raining. Of course it is raining, we are on the run, after all. *huffs* Sadao-chan insists we hurry, but I cannot see why I should abandon all the precious things I have so hastily gathered and packed just because of a few soldiers.

I hate to admit it, but my genial plan fell back on me. I should have foreseen that Mama-san was too let's say proud of sweet Genji and me to keep her tongue from wagging. Hasn't she preached at us for endless hours about discretion?! But no, off she went and told a few chosen clients about our alleged secret mission to impress them.

When she learnt that indeed nobody knew about our mission, Mama-san summoned me again. "Of course", I assured her, "nobody knows of our mission - it's a secret after all!" Which appeased her for the time being. But not the officials of our Divine Ruler. *groans*

And now? Now Sadao-chan and I are on the run. Not only from the Emperor's men, but also - and this is worse! - from an enraged Mama-san. Travelling is unbearable! Sadao-chan said there was no time to arrange for decent transport, and somehow he looked as if he knew what he was talking about. *sighs* We left the house in the dead of night, and an hour later it started to rain. Sadao-chan was happy about it, he said it covers our tracks, but I look like a drowned rat! *snorts*

We are headed for some backwater village at the coast where Sadao-chan has friends who owe him. He says they will sail us over to the Silla, whoever they are. I said we had to reach Chang'an and warn Genji never to return home as long as Mama-san is still alive (or the current Emperor for that matter), and he has promised me we will (and he looked quite funny when he said that). *shivers* I really don't want to think about it. I really don't want to sit astride on such a hairy animal, and I really don't want to squash through all that mud. And I'm missing Miyaku-san already - who will now depilate me?! *sad sighs*

I'm at a loss. Really. Yesterday Mama-san has 'invited' (read: summoned) me again for one of these endless compose-a-poem-and-drink-some-sake parties she's so fond of, and which are usually accompanied by an also endless interrogation - the techniques might well be envied by the Divine Ruler's agents. *shudders delicately* It has finally occurred to her that Genji really has not and will not return with this delegation and isn't just lagging behind as usual.

Having Sadao-chan now living at my, er, our house didn't really help either. Firstly he wasn't invited to Mama-san's little tea party anyway, and secondly she had threatened to spread the rumour at court that I'm entertaining a minor nobleman for free, imagine! Well, uhm, yes, I've told her he's a nobleman. What else could I do? She would have suffered a seizure had I told her the truth. *sulks*

"Where is your cousin?" she kept asking and soon I ran out of excuses. Of course (Oh Genji, how you owe me!) it was out of the question to tell her that he has run off with the first Chinese nobody who would keep him. The day she finds out is the day that will find me far, far away from wherever she is. Finally I broke down and told her THE SECRET. *smiles smugly*

Really, I cannot believe I did it, but as Genji always said after attending long hours to Lord Oshikatsu-san (and finally drugging him with poppy juice), "desperate times require desperate measures, darling". I built up tension until Mama-san was intrigued enough to send the servants out, then I tugged a little at the bait until she swooped down on it like a hungry falcon. *giggles* I had no idea this would work on her so well - after all she has taught us how to fan the flames...

Anyway, Genji, I just hope I see you before Mama-san does, should you ever return home, or we'll both be flayed alive. The tale I came up with is a neat one and serves me as well, to tell the truth. *smiles proudly and smoothes hair back*

I allowed Mama-san to grill me about Genji until I finally gave in and confided to her that the real reason for Genji's journey to Chang'an was a secret mission in the service of the Heavenly Ruler himself! I don't know why she believed such nonsense, maybe because it is such an outrageous nonsense - after all the Heavenly Ruler has enough able men in his service. Anyway, cousin Genji's now officially a secret agent on a secret mission in China. Imagine, Genji - a secret agent! *giggles helplessly*

I hinted at a sinister conspiracy, and that sweet Genji is supposed to find out more by making use of his considerable talents, which include sword-wielding only in a more general sense. At long last all these cheap novels we used to read in bed are good for something! I knew they would! And the beauty of it all is, that Sadao-chan is now officially a secret messenger. And I? *smiles smugly* I'm now the secret go-between, the one who delivers all these secret messages to the Heavenly Ruler's trustworthy official. Ain't that neat? *fans self*

*sighs* On the downside I have to find a reason how Sadao-chan (somehow I'm really getting used to having him around) can transport secret messages without never really leaving Heijo. He will have to leave town from time to time. We both could do with a change of scenery ... a refreshing trip to Heian maybe? I always wanted to see Heian.

Tetsuko-san has become a real nuisance by the way. Apart from publicly making an idiot of himself (no news here) and writing awful poems (ditto), he now informs everybody who is desperate or lonely enough to listen (or unfortunate enough not to know what's coming) that I'm his. Imagine! As if he could afford me! *huffs* On the upside, Mama-san's now so on fire with the idea of me and Genji being so important, and has promised she would take care of Tetsuko-san. *smiles wickedly*

Sadao-chan has persuaded me to pick up this swordlike playstick again. He says I'll never become a sword-wielder, but that I am so incredibly cute when trying to look like one. *sighs* I don't know why I oblige anytime he drags the stick along. My hands are a mess!

Ah, how I have neglected my own pursuits! And for what? Just for playing around with this … stick! Now I know where Genji got these calloused paws from, it’s intolerable, and people should be warned!

Oh, speaking of which. He has written me. Cousin Genji. Two times, as I’d found out when that gorgeous swordsman of Oshikatsu-san’s entourage showed up at my door some time ago. Of course he was most astonished to find out Genji, sweet as he is, had such a refined cousin. *smiles complacently* I think I should have told Genji about selling our old house and moving over to Heijo. As it turned out, sweet Sadao-chan had to search for me. Imagine, he’s spent several days just looking for me! Ah, had he only asked at the court, everyone knows where I can be found. *smiles sweetly*

What a day. Marvellous. I had no idea Tetsuko-san could be that tenacious. Charming somehow. Mama-san got wind of the affair and I was in for one of her endless scoldings; I was sorely tempted to tell her about Genji! Well, I haven’t, but as long as he doesn’t manage to keep his pretty face out of the news… I had no idea that even minor gossip had the tendency to seep all the way through into the Heijo Herald. Of course she’s gotten wind of the affair and I had to placate her with the hideous heishi beads Genji has bought in some cheap store in Chang’an. I bet someone had fooled him to believe they were made of jade. *giggles* Anyway, Mama-san liked them, and when I gave her the little bronze mirror as well, which was lovely, she was happy again. Oh cousin, when you return home, you owe me for that!

I was very astonished to read that there was indeed someone foolish enough to hire Genji for his swordsman skills; everything else I could understand, he’s beautiful, well-mannered, educated and graceful. But a swordsman? *giggles* Either this Shuai Tiao was in desperate need or he’s a fool. Or maybe he has hired him for something else, and Genji didn’t get it? *sighs* I miss him. Of course I’ll never tell him – he would only rub it in until my last hour, but there it is, I’m missing him. So he’s now off to Samarkand. I’ve asked Sadao-chan where that is, but he doesn’t know. Somehow I don’t envy those men they are escorting.

Genji really should be more careful whom he’s entrusting his letters to! Well, on the other hand, if Sadao-chan wouldn’t have made the little detour, he might have caught me with my poor hands still bandaged. I’ve given up stick-wielding, by the way. It’s bad for my skin. Where was I? Oh, yes. Sadao-chan. No, he was wonderful. *sighs admiringly* I’m talking about the other bastard Genji had entrusted his first letter to. Sadao-chan told me he’d found him at the harbour, dead-drunk and trying to sell off the things Genji had bought for me! Sadao-chan is such a hero! He took the parcel from him and pushed the man into the basin, imagine!

Maybe I should make some amends to cousin Genji. I think I should give up those poets for good and settle for real swordsmen. Well, maybe. Have to stop now, Sadao-chan is coming for dinner, and I have to … where is that eyebrow pencil?!

Just a short note to say that I've dumped Tetsuko-chan. The bruises hadn't faded in time. Now I'm sitting here on the terrace, scribbling and tapping my fingers. Wait, someone's coming! Maybe this day will become interesting after all?

Later. A messenger was here and - guess what? - Tetsuko has sent yet another poem, something about starving at the feet of beauty. I wonder if it's time to send for Miyaku-san again? Her hands work miracles - nobody depilates like she does, it barely hurts and the skin is smooth as silk for ages! Ah, Mama-san just knows the right people!

Still no news from Genji.

I've finally made myself at home here in Heijo, one of my generous admirers acquired a house for me in one of the better quarters quite close to the palace of our Heavenly Ruler (who isn't that heavenly at all according to those who should know, by the way). I am not sure whether I should regret the fact that I will never know him, or whether I should call myself blessed. He's said to be such a, well, I guess I shouldn't write this ... let's say he's at least a pretty sight while he bores off his companions' robes. Ah, I got distracted again! My house. Yes.

It's quite pretty, it even has a little garden attached to it, of course everything's fashioned in the latest Chinese style. China, that reminds me of something ... Ah, yes. Genji, my dear cousin who's now such an important man.

Still no letter from him, as was to be expected. I suppose he's too busy strutting around the Chinese officials, showing off his sword and sublimely hinting to how useful he could be. Maybe he already fancies himself as part of the Emperor's throng? It seems I've dragged more of his possessions to Nara than I had thought. When I unpacked one of the crates he's left behind I even found this sword-shaped piece of wood his master gave him because he couldn't be entrusted a real one.

I got really nostalgic over this, imagine! It was such a funny sight, Genji and this wooden stick. And he was so proud about it all, it was so cute! I sat there and recalled cousin Genji standing in our garden, pretending to be one of the Heavenly Ruler's swordsmen ... and started giggling at once. Though I have to admit his master was well worth a second glance. And, another bonus, he didn't write poetry. But then, he wasn't handsome enough for me to ruin my smooth hands with this blasted stick!

Since I won't show this diary to anyone I can admit it: I took this wooden sword and went out into the garden myself this morning. Call it nostalgia. I remembered some of the exercises Genji showed off with, and managed to strike a few breathtaking poses as I could see from my reflexion in the little pond. Maybe there really is something to this after all? I only hope the bruises will have faded before I am due at Tetsuko-chan in three days. Stupid thing!

I wonder what Genji's doing at the moment - apart from the predictable I mean. At court I have heard rumours that the delegation is supposed to be back in about a month, and this means they are about to leave Chang'an in a few days. It just occurs to me - I haven't told him that I moved into this house, he will be in for a surprise then. After all the new house is in a much more elevated area than the old one.

Until a few weeks ago I shared quarters with this sword wielding cousin of mine. He really hasn't got any talent for this kind of blade if you ask me, but he always charms his, well, masters into believing he has. Now he's off to China, as if they'd just been waiting for him to appear! Now really!

And did he ask me to accompany him? No, of course he didn't. He has always been such a selfish brat. I have never been to China, and all he blubbers is something about me 'being too flamboyant' and him 'being a member of an official delegation' and other such cheap excuses. Who in his right mind would make him part of an official delegation anyway?

No, I'm not jealous! What should I be jealous about? Only because he is off to China and will probably see the emperor himself in his golden palace in Chang'an while I stroll in exquisite ennui beneath the cherry blossoms and pretend to listen to the cheap poems my lovesick admirers use to pen and recite in their most pompous manner? You must be kidding.